


At the Cost of Sight

by fanfiction_swinger



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blind Character, I Tried, M SORRY, M/M, Might be OOC, Or Is It?, Unrequited Love, for once. this is not some explicit fic, i hope im not butchering any blind people representation, im proud of myself yes, im sorry, sight loss, star tear disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfiction_swinger/pseuds/fanfiction_swinger
Summary: Kenma rarely gets excited when he meets new people. And if he does get excited... he doesn't show it. But Kuroo knows Kenma for 10 years now. He knows Kenma.So when he finds him in Miyagi, separated from the team and lost, and saw the look in Kenma's face and the slight dilated pupils when he's talking to the orange-haired boy, he knows.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	At the Cost of Sight

**Author's Note:**

> AY- it's angst, it's star tear disease, i'll be honest upfront here i can actually prevent it from going as far as to the blindness phase but i want kuroo to suffer ok. but in the end i would always ends the torture with an aftercare because i love him that way k YwY
> 
> i'm sorry i kinda always make kenma seems distracted by hinata but ig posts got me sad bcs all of them (or at least on what shows up on my feed) kinda depicts kenma going either tsundere, or is being outright mean, or prioritizing hinata above all that it hurts me, i would then either write fic to heal myself or search tags i actually wanted on pixiv bcs mate them jp artists make some good bottom kuroo i YwY i ain't hatin' any character tho i swear, i just love kuroo a bit too much. and the problem with not hatin' any character is that i don't have the heart to make any of them a villainesque kinda character ;-;
> 
> ah well, enjoy, thanks. okay i know i make kuroo go blind here but i'm sorry if there's any godawful representation or some mistakes, i'm gathering info and trying to imagine it through tumblr posts that i stumbled upon around blind people and how to help them in case we need to and stuffs so-

Kenma rarely gets excited when he meets new people. And if he does get excited... he doesn't show it. But Kuroo knows Kenma for 10 years now. He _knows_ Kenma.

So when he finds him in Miyagi, separated from the team and lost, and saw the look in Kenma's face and the slight dilated pupils when he's talking to the orange-haired boy, he _knows_.

But he doesn't know what the sharp sting in his eyes was when he saw the scene. And he blames it to lack of sleep.

***

It isn't until a few weeks after the match, it was just another walk to school with Kenma as per usual. But Kenma wasn't holding his PSP as per usual.

"Texting? That's rare for you, Kenma."

Kuroo sees a hint of amusement in Kenma's eyes.

"It's Shouyou. We exchanged e-mail address and he likes to text me of things."

Kuroo blinks. "Oh."

The stings return again but it persists this time. When the school is in sight, Kuroo internally lets out a sigh of relief and excuses Kenma hurriedly, running to the bathroom. Kenma just looks at him questioningly but says nothing.

He looks at the mirror and leans forward, eyes as close as he can to the mirror. He blinks and sees a shiny object in it. His mind begins to race but he calms himself fast and reaches out to his eye. The shiny object drops and makes a sharp sound of glass breaking when it reaches the sink. And before he can realize what happened, some more flows out, just like tears.

It hurts. It hurts so, _so_ much. He tries to blink it away but it just flows faster, the sound of glass breaking fills the room, piercing his ears.

He wants it to stop.

***

That night, Kuroo searches the internet as to _what on earth just happened_. And learns the Star Tear Disease.

An unrequited love.

He thinks of Kenma and the chibi from Karasuno.

Of Kenma's face.

The glint in Kenma's eyes.

On unspoken feelings.

He lets out a humorless laugh, but was cut off by a wince as the eye stings again. Just thinking about it apparently makes not only his heart ache, but also his eyes to sting. He sighs.

There's no way he would let Kenma knows. Their childhood friends, isn't it gross if the friend you've known since little turns out to- not only be gay, but also likes you?

Kuroo doesn't even know if he's gay. He's pretty sure he has never really thought much about girls, boys, or even love in general. It feels like he's just satisfied with some friends, his family, Kenma and his family, _volleyball_ , Kenma- did he list Kenma twice?

He sighs and closes his eyes.

And soon drifts off to sleep.

***

The sting doesn't always come, he realizes. It hurts and comes mostly only when Kenma is interacting with Chibi-chan. Texting, mostly. Or little stories of him. But nothing Kuroo can't handle, really. He will always excuse himself if the tears felt too much though.

If Kenma notices his odd behavior, he says nothing.

***

It isn't until Kenma says he's going to Miyagi to meet up with Chibi-chan does it truly hurts. Everything blurs after that and Kuroo remembers making up a lame excuse of forgotten homework, or something of the sort and runs back to his home which is... really, just a few houses away.

He fails to call out to his grandparents that are watching the TV and runs upstairs, locking the door.

His room is dark but he doesn't feel like turning it on. It was a lie. He has finished his homework. He's sure Kenma knows that. And even if he hasn't, he has the weekend to complete them.

_The weekend that Kenma decides to suddenly goes to Miyagi just to meet Chibi-chan._

Kenma. Who hates long trips. Who hates crowds. Heck, he even hates stepping out of his own house.

His eyes hurt so much that he's not sure if they're bleeding. Kuroo sluggishly drags himself to his desk where a mirror lies. Besides, the tears doesn't break when hitting soft objects (a.k.a, his bed), so it's a bitch to clean them all and hurts when Kuroo scratches at any leftover tears.

The tears falling and breaking to pieces sounds like a screechy and shitty orchestra on what he's feelings now. He glances at the mirror and sees the tears. It's shining yellow and white, glistening like small diamonds, refracting the light to small rainbows of colors and Kuroo finds himself entranced.

He never really sees them before but the tears are _beautiful_ that the pain feels almost worth it.

They shine a soft, yellow glow. It kind of reminds him of Kenma, really. "Soft" or "bright" seems like the last thing people would describe Kenma with, his usual posture and attitude just screams "lazy" but to Kuroo... to Kuroo, Kenma is the stars, as cheesy as it sounds, because Kenma is the one who would be there for for him when he needs it.

And the tears reminds Kuroo of the stars that, despite the pain, he makes no effort to stop it, because right now, the glow feels like a short reprieve.

***

The fading of colors happens gradually that Kuroo doesn't realize until his surroundings looks like it has a low saturation filter. Kuroo frowns at the sight and is kind of afraid right now. How long will this continue? Should he- should he tell Kenma before the damage is irreplaceable?

"Kuro." Kenma's voice snaps him out of his thoughts. "What is it?"

Kuroo looks at him wide-eyed. He's sure the fear is palpable in a split second before he schools himself to an easy grin. "What?"

Kenma frowns. "Don't lie, Kuro. You've been out of it these days. Are you _fine?_ "

"Of course I am, why wouldn't I be?"

At this point, the lie is almost a habit, really. But he's going to keep saying it anyway until he actually _feels_ like it. Just keep lying until it becomes the truth. Doesn't sound that bad, seems doable.

Kenma's frowns deepens but he purses his lips. Kuroo knows this isn't going to be the last thing he hears from Kenma. He's sure the pudding-head is strategizing in his head to pry the truth out of him.

It's stupid but Kuroo feels _slightly_ happy because it means it's Kuroo for once that fills his thought.

The slight guilt lingers as if he's just lying to seek Kenma's attention.

In the end, he says nothing and neither does Kenma.

***

It's a particularly bad morning after a night of crying once again. His eyes hurt like hell and he feels sluggish. He doesn't want to move, doesn't want to wake up, doesn't want to do anything. His head is pounding and he's just feeling shitty in general. But he did promise Kenma to pick him up on the train station after his visit to Miyagi. He opens his eyes, quite feeling unprepared to face the blinding sunlight, but he is most definitely unprepared for the darkness that greets him with.

"Huh?"

He blinks. Once. Twice.

He panics, thoughts running everywhere, why, what happened, how-

_Prolonged crying will cause colorblindness and, in rare cases, go fully blind._

Kuroo clutches the side of his head in fear, heading towards his bedroom window based on memory alone, stepping in fear. His room feels different in this newfound darkness. He crashes into his chair and winces slightly but simply push it away, reaching out and feeling the familiar curtain. He's desperate for something, _anything_ , really. Perhaps it's only his room that somehow gets no light at all, perhaps-

He can feel the warmth of the sunlight on his face, his whole vision goes slightly whiter, as if the he was on the other end of lightness spectrum before and it has been raised up a notch into a blurry white-greyish screen. He can hear the children shouting and laughing with his friends outside, the sound of a vehicle passing by, a dog barking. He feels like crying but is afraid of the sting that comes with it. He wonders how does it work in the first place anyway?

He wants to cry, but it's not because of Kenma, will... will the stars come again?

The tears were beautiful but he is no longer able to see it again. No. He can't see anything anymore. Not even Kenma. Not even his- oh god, his family. Grandpa, grandma, father- he has disappointed them, hasn't he? He fucked up real bad. He's sure they will hate them now. How funny is that, being blind because of a disease that can be cured simply by confessing but he's just a coward that is afraid of ruining his relationship with Kenma.

Who will take care of his father one day?

All because he's an idiot.

He needs to tell them. They deserve to know as much as he's ashamed to admit it.

Kuroo slowly makes his way to the bedroom door, relying on his memories and feeling around, in case his chair (or any of his things, really) gets in the way like before. Finding the hallway, he presses himself to the wall and heads to the stair. At the corner, he cautiously steps down one stair at a time. Nearing downstairs, he can hear his grandma and grandpa's chatter at what's happening at the TV. He can smell the familiar scent of his father's coffee.

He tears up. Without feeling the sting, he feels liquid slid down his cheeks.

"Father, grandma, grandpa-", he starts shakily.

"Tetsu? Do you want some coffee?" His father's voice calls back.

His breath catches in his throat and he swallows. "No, I-"

His voice definitely alerts his father because he can hear the clatter of chair and his father's voice sounds closer. His grandma and grandpa has also stopped talking and the sound of the TV is relatively quieter.

"What's wrong, Tetsu, are you okay?"

He looks up at his father's general direction based on the sound alone. "I'm sorry, father, I'm sorry, I-"

"Tetsu?"

Kuroo feels the soft hands of his father on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry-", he repeats, almost a chant now.

His father says nothing and puts him into an embrace.

***

That night, his phone rang. He fumbles through his table and finds the device. He knows the answer button by heart but he slowly traces and remembers which button goes anywhere anyway because the darkness is a new thing to him and he doesn't want to accidentally reject the call instead.

"Kuro?"

Kenma's familiar voice sounded.

Right. Kenma, he was supposed to meet him at the station.

"Are you alright? My mom said you were sick."

Kuroo's mouth feels dry and he's unsure what he should say about his current predicament. He's not sick. Not really. He's... blind now. Does that count as a sickness in this situation?

His mouth open and closes a few times until finally he licks his lips in nervousness and answers, "Y- I-... Yeah. I-I'm fine, no worries?" He berates himself for stuttering and phrasing it as a question instead.

There's silence on the other line, a small "I'm heading over", before the line goes out.

Kenma is coming over? He's not sure if he can handles this and feeling Kenma's gaze looking at him with... pity? He's not sure what Kenma would judge him now. A coward for not confessing, an idiot for letting it get this far, a pity on his state right now.

He hears his father opens the front door and exchange a small greetings, his father telling Kenma to knock and ask first before entering as Kenma steps up the stairs. The step continues until it stops in front of his room.

Kuroo feels like crying, and the sting does come now. Why is it still there? He's gone blind now because of this stupid disease that god knows why exist. What more? Does he _really_ need to confess this badly? Which god think it's a funny joke to actually make this disease a thing?

"Kuro?" Kenma's voice soft. The knocks followed softly and quietly too, as if Kuroo is a wild animal that would jump and run away if disturbed too much. "Can I... come in?"

He feels the sharp stones down his cheeks and nods. "Y-yeah." He quickly corrects himself when he realizes Kenma can't see him from behind the door, stupid.

The door creaks open and Kuroo can hear Kenma's sharp intake of breath. The door closes once again and the slight lightness Kuroo sees when the hallway light filters in is gone.

"Kuro, this is-"

Kuroo can feel Kenma's hand on his cheek and the sudden voice beside him startles him and he can't help the jerk back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- I- I didn't realize you're... _that_ close..."

He hears Kenma's the hitch in Kenma's breath and he makes a choked sound. "Kuro, you- you... you can't _see?_ "

Kuroo gulps and look down. "I'm sorry-"

"Wh-" Kenma sounds _angry_ , and Kuroo is kinda afraid of it. Does Kenma... finds him repulsive now..? The tears fall down even more and it _hurts_. Kuroo claws the under of his eyes in reflex. "I- does it hurt, I'm sorry, please don't cry, Kuro. I didn't mean to sound angry." Kenma sounds nervous now.

Kuroo shakes his head and tries to calm himself down. "No, I'm sorry, I-"

"Why are _you_ apologizing, Kuroo? You did nothing wrong. Who- who is it? That makes you cry hurtfully so..?"

"But I _am_ wrong, Kenma. I decided to become a coward and let it get this far, I- I don't want to ruin my relationship with him, I-"

"But that doesn't mean you need to apologize when you're the one who's hurting the most right now!"

Kenma snaps and Kuroo flinches back.

"No, no. I'm sorry, I- I'm not angry at you, I-"

Kuroo hears Kenma exhales and eventually feels arms circling him. Kenma, the one who's always so awkward with touches and gestures of affection, is hugging him.

"Do I know him, Kuro?"

Kuroo exhales shakily and nods.

"Who-"

Kuroo puts his hands on Kenma's shoulder and creates some space between them. He doesn't want to say this, he really doesn't. He feels as if saying it in this situation will only guilt trip Kenma and he... he doesn't want that. But he's gone this far, what else can he do now, he's disappointed his family and he's not sure what prolonging it will cause anyway.

"I-... I love you, Kenma."

If Kenma wasn't crying before, he is definitely is now. Because Kenma's inhale is runny and his breath is short and his voice trembles.

"Stupid, I-"

***

He wakes up in darkness. Where is he? What happened? Why is it all dark? Wh-

" _Kuro!_ " Kenma's voice sounded beside him, "I'm going to touch you, okay?" With a nod, Kenma's hands are soft on Kuroo, patting his head and back. "Ssh, you're fine, Kuro, it's just a dream." Kenma whispers, voice soothing. "It's okay, I'm here."

Kuroo's breath slowed down and he feels himself again. He squeezes his eyes shut and tubs his temple before cuddling back to Kenma, hugging him back tightly.

"I'm sorry, I- I dreamt of the past."

"Mhm?" Kenma wordlessly encourages him to continue.

"It's... nothing much, really. Just... of the times when I can still see you", he chuckles nervously.

Kuroo has been so attuned in understanding Kenma even with no sight that he can _see_ Kenma frowning. "I'm sorry I let the disease get that bad, Kuro. I- I should've said something, insist more- I- _anything_."

He shakes his head. "No, it doesn't matter, I was the one who keeps it all from you... or anyone of that matter. Besides... I'm always afraid that I'm the one shackling you to always being by my side because..." he gestures vaguely at his eyes, " _this._ I- you might feel bad for me but I assure you, Kenma, I'll be fine. I would feel really happy if you stayed with me because I loved you- still do now, but- I don't want you here out of guilt, I- I don't understand how can you even accept _blind_ me, I-"

Kuroo is stopped by a warm embrace, Kenma's sushing him and stroking his back even more. He leans into the touch and buries himself on Kenma's chest.

"I swear, Kuro, I'm not here out of obligation. You really need to get it through that thick skull of yours that I _do_ love you, stupid. And I will always be here, except when you no longer want me to."

"No! Don't leave!" Kuroo clutches Kenma's shirt. "I'm sorry, I-" he inhales and composes himself. "I just... I still can't believe that you do love me back, I guess and... and you're still here with even now, I-"

Kuroo feels tears falling down on his eyes, this time, he knows it is not out of longing, out of misery, out of unrequited love.

"Thank you, Kenma."

**Author's Note:**

> The only thing that would always leave me in wonder about how this diseases appear in fics are the fact that the character would blindly go for the person they love and that alone. I mean that's cool and all but I'm just kinda imagining myself in their shoes and I was like. "Hmmmm, crap. If I go blind just because I'm blindly in love with someone, my family would, most definitely, without a doubt, _kill_ me and call me an idiot." That's why I decide to have Kuroo forgot his rendezvous with Kenma and just kinda- apologizes for failing of being a son- YwY like that's even possible boi your father, grandma, and grandpa loves you.
> 
> Extra:
> 
> In the end, Kuroo does finish his high school, he's blind, not _stupid_. His teachers would help and spare time to offer additional lessons by conversation if he's in a dire need but Yaku and Kai is what saves him the most, really. Their study session continues still and Kuroo finds himself having no trouble keeping up with lessons. The only thing he _did_ have trouble of is navigating and in the end he kinda nails it going to and fro between home and school. Really, there's no need for it since Kenma is always there with him in the end, but, it's kind of a 'just-in-case' thing, really. Kenma's not going to stick around for long... right?
> 
> Or apparently that's what the insecure part of his mind keeps on supplying despite Kenma's reassurances every time he drops off Kuroo at the front of his home, never fails to plants a soft kiss on his forehead, always asking permission to touch him and pull him down to the level Kenma could reach him at.
> 
> By university, he picks a non-science major despite his love on chemistry because he's unsure how does that even work and if he's going to be a danger to both himself and the people around him in a laboratory. It's mostly for the degree, anyway. By this point, Kenma has started streaming for fun and really, he's making income, deciding to fund his own studies for university. Not wanting to be a burden, he tells Kenma that he wants to do a part-time job, deciding along the lines of "A dog cafe sounds nice, I can be surrounded by puppies all day long!" But ends up in a disaster as to having the barks from all over the directions and being assaulted by what feels like hundreds of dogs when you can barely hold yourself amidst all seems a bit too much. In the end he settles for an open job at a cat cafe. Because aside from a hyperactive cat that would jump atop you from the cat tower when it's feeding time, they were relatively chill, nudging on his feet on wanting pats and attention, to grabbing his pants when Kuroo has bonded longer when they want to cuddle or snuggle on the crook of his neck. Besides, they meows only occasionally, particularly loud during feeding only. Kuroo slowly learns to recognize them from their sound alone and he's getting good at it. He likes to think the cats like him back as much as he has come to love them.
> 
> Upon graduating university, Kenma insists he no longer needs to search for employment because he's making plenty for both of them anyway but Kuroo feels like he's leeching off Kenma alone and insists on working. And besides, the manager doesn't mind and actually wants Kuroo to be a full-time employee in the cat cafe anyway and Kuroo thinks he needs it too, this interaction with his co-workers and cats that he's so attuned to and doesn't have to always second-doubt himself (because the guilt is still _there_ , the guilt of forcing Kenma to choose this path by his side instead of traversing his own). In the end, Kenma relents, because he seems to understand that Kuroo _does_ need it, and it's not like Kuroo doesn't have the path to the cat cafe memorized by heart.
> 
> He also loves the fact that Kenma would visit him, out of worry, he likes to think, "For the cats", Kenma would say, but whichever doesn't matter because Kenma doesn't bring his laptop whenever he visits (after discovering the fact that none of the cats would let Kenma touch it by _always_ sitting on top of the laptop, making it their personal heater) and Kuroo loves the fact that Kenma could actually rest here without his laptop, no work, no game, and he's sure the purr of cats Kenma is surrounded with helps.
> 
> But he does love it the most because he's able to spend more time with Kenma and any time spend with him is a precious moment for Kuroo and that's all there is, really.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
